Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The little green monster that lives outside my window.

There is a little green monster
that lives outside my window.
He's now become my current obsession
as monsters sometimes do.
I mean look at this thing......

it is completely and totally
running my life...


I'm obsessed with watching the big dial spin.
It moves either gloriously slow
or maddeningly fast.

I'm obsessed with the big dial
because it affects the five small dials.

If I can get the big dial to move slowly,
then the small dials will follow
at a snails pace,
making for much less currency leaving my pocket
to pay for current currently flowing into my home.

So obsessed am I with this
little metal tattle-tale
that I spend an embarrassing amount of time
standing at the window
counting the seconds that it takes for the
big dial to make one full rotation.
Yes, I do.
At any time of day I can be seen with my face pressed
up against the window and heard
counting..."One one thousand,
Two one thousand, Three...."
like an 8 yr old child playing hide and go seek.
But I'm not playing a child's game,
I'm playing a game of cause and effect
with a pale green, glass faced tyrant!

I'm constantly running around the house
turning off lights, televisions, fans,
the air conditioner, the computers,
even alarm clocks
then running back to the window to see
how much I have starved
my power hungry,
kilowatt gobbling,
When I can get to at least "twelve one thousand" before that
big dial turns full circle,
I raise my hands in victory
and do a little dance I call the "tight-wad wiggle"
(and you thought I was gonna say
the "electric slide" or the "neutron dance", didn't ya?!)

I am happy to say that my record is
"seventeen one thousand"
but I'm sure I can top that
if I can just figure out how to grill out every meal,
do my dishes and wash my clothes
down at the creek behind my house and
hang the clothes to dry on the line in the back yard!
Of course the hope is
that I will be rewarded with a low electric bill
and a little extra money each month.
At over 4,500 square feet,
this is the largest home we've ever powered
(except the old farm house in Rhode Island...
but we aren't counting that because it had
no AC and Rhode Island's electric company
wasn't nearly as expensive as Maryland's.)
We hear horror stories
of electric bills upwards of 7 and 8 HUNDRED a month
here in Maryland,
Can you imagine paying that much
for one month of power?
Something about deregulation,
politics, competiton...
All I care about is the amount of crabs I can't buy
because I am paying an
astronomical electric bill!

So we are understandably cautious
and being extra vigilant

(meaning we are not watching Fox News all day
and we strip down to our underwear
and put cold rags on our foreheads
before turning on the AC)

over how much juice that stupid green gargoyle,
I mean, we consume.
I'm hoping that we can loosen up a bit
once we find out how our comfort level
translates into dollars and cents.
So, now you understand why
I'm currently obsessed with current.....
and why I'm beginning to hate the
little green monster that
lives outside my window and
glares up at me defiantly
with five spinning eyes
wrenching crab after crab from my
Old Bay stained fingers!
I'm plotting his death as we speak!


Andrea said...

**giggle** - Yes, that green monster can be quite a pain... Might I suggest calling the Gas company and seeing what your budget bill would be... That way it is the same amount every month and you can budget accordingly... When you use less you get a credit - once that credit builds up they automatically apply it to your bill... it is so nice... Until then... grab some windex and wipe the nose prints off as they occur... cause they will occur!

Mari said...

I LOVE You!!! We are TRUE soul mates!!
I REFUSE to pay our electric co. any more than those thieves deserve!!
I'm down to $77.99 this month and like you...we strip down before that air goes on!!

We recently got new ones installed..they are now no more watching the dial for me. Instead I am tortured by the NUMBERS that are displayed and hope there is no computer glitch downtown for there are no more meter readers in our town. ((sigh))

My savings tips that I believe work: I make my kids unplug their tv's when they aren't watching them and all computers are unplugged when not in use. I never rerun the dryer...LOL
And I only run the dishwasher late at night and have it set to water miser. I don't do a HOT dry either.
Oh and it has to be totally stuffed before I do run it.


momy4him said...

you are so funny- i love you!!!

Jane said...

Look at you - not only a very talented photographer, but a talented writer as well! :)

CDB said...

Hi there.. just wanted to say hi and that I enjoyed your photog site.. I'm on the DC MLM site and saw your recent post! I'm an aspiring photog myself and am always looking for good inspiration to keep going.. !

I'm also a fellow blogger, so enjoying this site as well!!


Cristie :) said...

You SERIOUSLY crack me up woman!! =)