So Zach packed a backpack yesterday and left.
The rules in our home have become too
constricting for him
and so he is trying life on his own.
He slept down the street at his friend's house
so I could close my eyes and know that he
was at least safe and warm.
I do not know if he will continue to sleep there
or if he will have to find shelter somewhere else.
Leaving was his choice
and he said it was the only choice he felt
was right for him.
He is in an independent study program
and cannot miss his Thursday meetings
or he will be dropped from the program.
I told him that I would drive him to the meeting
if he needed me to.
He called me last night and asked for that ride.
I was relieved that at least he is not
giving up on getting his high school diploma.
After the meeting he asked me to drive him
to a grocery store so that he could get
As we walked through the aisles
and he threw a bunch of junk food into the cart,
my eye caught a Buzz Lightyear cereal bowl set
on one of the shelves
and I wondered what happened to the little
blonde headed boy who
would run around the house
yelling, "to infinity and beyond!".
My heart is absolutely breaking,
and I am trying not to be consumed by
my great sorrow,
but I know I have to be strong and unwaivering
because I love him.
I know that his father and I have loved him well.
We have given him so many opportunites and support to turn his
struggles into triumphs.
Minutes ago I watched him
walk up the hill out of our neighborhood
in the cold rain
with a backpack full of food
and an extra change of clothes,
I can hardly breathe and the tears that I held in
all morning as we were together
are now a hot flood that I can no longer will away.
I want to call out to him to come back
to the safety of my arms,
but I know that this is his battle to fight.
These are his hard knocks to take
and learn from.
I am driven to my knees
pleading with God to protect him,
to keep him safe
and to draw Zach's heart back to his.
Zach knows that he is welcome back in our home
when he is willing to take responsibility for his actions
and be willing to submit to the rules we have in our home.
Right now he is not ready.
Right now he would rather
walk his own path,
and we have to let him.
This is the deepest sorrow
and the most gripping fear I have ever felt,
but I have to lean on something greater than myself.
I have to hold on to what I know.
If I am to make it through this,
I have to trust in the God who loves Zach
even more than I do.
Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse
and I have had to hold strongly to it before,
but never as much as now.
I can only take my next breath
knowing that God has a plan
and that He will restore our family.
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a future and a hope."