Thursday, March 11, 2010

My great sorrow..................

So Zach packed a backpack yesterday and left.
The rules in our home have become too
constricting for him
and so he is trying life on his own.
He slept down the street at his friend's house
last night,
so I could close my eyes and know that he
was at least safe and warm.
I do not know if he will continue to sleep there
or if he will have to find shelter somewhere else.
Leaving was his choice
and he said it was the only choice he felt
was right for him.
He is in an independent study program
and cannot miss his Thursday meetings
or he will be dropped from the program.
I told him that I would drive him to the meeting
if he needed me to.
He called me last night and asked for that ride.
I was relieved that at least he is not
giving up on getting his high school diploma.
After the meeting he asked me to drive him
to a grocery store so that he could get
some food.
As we walked through the aisles
and he threw a bunch of junk food into the cart,
my eye caught a Buzz Lightyear cereal bowl set
on one of the shelves
and I wondered what happened to the little
blonde headed boy who
would run around the house
yelling, "to infinity and beyond!".
My heart is absolutely breaking,
and I am trying not to be consumed by
my great sorrow,
but I know I have to be strong and unwaivering
because I love him.
I know that his father and I have loved him well.
We have given him so many opportunites and support to turn his
struggles into triumphs.
Minutes ago I watched him
walk up the hill out of our neighborhood
in the cold rain
with a backpack full of food
and an extra change of clothes,
I can hardly breathe and the tears that I held in
all morning as we were together
are now a hot flood that I can no longer will away.
I want to call out to him to come back
to the safety of my arms,
but I know that this is his battle to fight.
These are his hard knocks to take
and learn from.
I am driven to my knees
pleading with God to protect him,
to keep him safe
and to draw Zach's heart back to his.
Zach knows that he is welcome back in our home
when he is willing to take responsibility for his actions
and be willing to submit to the rules we have in our home.
Right now he is not ready.
Right now he would rather
walk his own path,
and we have to let him.
This is the deepest sorrow
and the most gripping fear I have ever felt,
but I have to lean on something greater than myself.
I have to hold on to what I know.
If I am to make it through this,
I have to trust in the God who loves Zach
even more than I do.
Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse
and I have had to hold strongly to it before,
but never as much as now.
I can only take my next breath
knowing that God has a plan
and that He will restore our family.
Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.
Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.
Plans to give you a future and a hope."


Mari said...

If you ever need someone to talk to I have a 17year old of my own. I'm sorry Becca. I'm not going to pretend I know the struggles you are going through right now, but I will pray for your family and Zach. May he find his way back home. Call anytime. 509-783-6548. I'm only 3 hrs. away if you ever need a hug.

Tonkamom said...

Becca, you are a wonderful mom for being so brave for him! I know how hard it is to let them go. My oldest left in January and I miss him so much!

Jamie said...

Thought maybe you could use this today.

Jamie said...

Oh I don't think that link worked. Here is one that does. Sorry!

Michelle said...

Praying for your strength and Zach's safety. What a hard thing you are doing, but you love him enough to do want the best for him. Know that you are being thought of and prayed over.

joesmick said...

David anf Rebecca....I so know where you are.we have been there with Jon he left when he was 18...and we did not hear from him for a very long time....but I also clung to Jeremiah and his wisdom...that is all you can do which I Know that you both have brought him up in the Lord...Now we have a fine young man who is a deacon the father of two and uses his story to reach other young people....I have learned that God does not come to early..but he is never Late....lean hard on Him for he has big shoulders....also stay strong for Dsvid and David stay strong for you....and stay strong for your other precious babies(including Zach) know that we will be praying for his safety and that God has him surround by you guys

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Oh Becca....

I have no answers and no wisdom. But my heart aches for yours tonight. I'm praying for God's strong arms to hold you and Zach tight as you walk this path.

Holly Anderson said...

Becca - my heart is breaking along with you right now.

We had what sounds like a similar incident earlier this week with Alexx (19) that resulted in us giving him a choice of submitting the rules of our home and getting his actions in check or packing the suitcase we handed him.

It was the most frightening, sickening minutes of my life waiting for him to answer; but he chose to work to get himself together.

I hope we are on the right path.

I am praying for you all.

Crazy Homeschool Mama said...

I don't cry when I read blogs....but today I am...this breaks my heart! I know your pain! It isn't a pain I want anybody else to feel. Then the other side of me wants to smack these kids upside the head..what are a few stinking rules seriously you ahve a roof over your head and food.
Praying for you!