Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Voices in my Head...........

So I have been spending my mornings and afternoons with 
this little guy.
He is a joy and delights my soul every day!
His smile lights up my world
and we have so much fun together.
Many days by the time his mommy comes to get him,
he and I are in the kitchen while I am getting dinner ready.
The kitchen is kind of off to the side of the door that 
Jenna comes in, so Landon cannot see her approach.
He will be babbling or dancing or inspecting
something along the baseboards in the kitchen
and then all of the sudden he hears a voice and freezes.
He looks at me with wide eyes and an even wider grin
as if to ask me, "Hey, did you hear that?!"
For a minute or two the room is electric with 
the anticipation of a mommy's hug and the excitement 
of being together again.
Landon knows his mommy's voice.
He knows it without even seeing her.
His response to her voice is unlike his response 
to any other voice in his life.
Sometimes I can easily recognize the voices speaking to me and
I know exactly how to respond.
But not always.
For the past two weeks I have been 
praying about leading a women's Bible study in 
the church that we have been attending for the past 6 weeks.
From the minute I found out there was a need,
it has been in the back of my mind to step up
and lead. 
There are voices in my head too.
Here is what they are saying:
Can I do this?
It has been so, so long since
I have led a study.
I am quite comfortable now with nothing to prepare for,
nothing to study for,
nothing expected of me.
I'm comfortable, but I'm not growing the way I want to be.
Thursdays are my only night with nothing to do.
I need my nothing to do night.
What if no one comes?
What if someone comes?!
What if I trip over my words,
sound like an idiot,
sound like a know it all,
and worst of all,
what if I cry?!
I am not a pretty crier.
I hate crying in public and do everything I can to avoid it.
Once the chin quiver starts though,
I can't usually stop it 
and it just goes downhill from there.
What if God uses this study to help encourage others?
What if this is the thing I need in my life right now,
right here, at this very point in my life?
I'm not funny enough, knowlegable enough,
cute enough, witty enough, well connected enough,
smart enough, confident enough 
or well spoken enough to do this.
I'm unorganized.
Completely and totally unorganized.
I simply cannot get it together enough to 
look like I have it together enough to do this!
What if this grows me, stretches me,
causes me to walk by faith?
The study I want to do is called Let It Go by Karen Ehman.
The subject is dear to my heart.  It is about being a control freak.
I am a control freak.
God has brought this to my attention over and over again
during the past five years.  
The lessons I have learned about how very necessary it is to 
let go of control
when it comes to my own personal peace
is the number one word of encouragement
I give to other mother's when they share their struggles with me.
It is a subject that is still tender.
This is scary for me.
I can't just brush over this stuff.
It is going to come down to sharing personal stories
and that means being real and raw and vulnerable....
and again, the crying thing.

So all of this is going on in my head
all the while I am still taking steps to lead the study.
I have a meeting scheduled with the Pastor on Friday morning
so he can get to know me and we can talk about the study.
Since we are brand new to the church,
he needs to know where my heart is.
Yesterday I had lunch with my husband and
was telling him about this struggle of voices
in my head.
I asked him which one I should be listening to.
Both make sense.
Both can be convincing.
But one of them is a lie.
Almost always, when there are two voices in direct conflict
one of them is truth and one of them is a lie.
On the one hand, I get a free night every week.
No preparation, no one counting on me, no possible public failure,
no vulnerability.  
I could use that night to clean or do laundry
or prepare meals for the week
or catch up on blogging and editing.
Or I could face reality and use that night like I really would
and just sit and watch TV or surf the internet.
On the other hand, 
it has been a very long time since I have put myself out there
in a leadership roll.
I'm going to have to put time and effort into this.
I'm going to have to be open, honest, my imperfections are going to be 
out there in bright flashing neon lights for everyone to see.
I'm going to have to face my fear of public speaking.
I'm going to be vulnerable to criticism.
Someone might not like me.
I am going to have to give up control.
Sitting across the lunch table from me,
my sweet husband listened to all of my fears
and insecurities as I poured them out over the 
chips and salsa we were sharing.
"Who do I listen to?" I asked him.
He told me what I already knew.
"Listen to the voice that is pushing you toward growth. 
The one chasing you out of your comfort zone and
causing you to have faith." he said.

So, here we go.  
If God opens the door for me to lead this study 
on Thursday nights at a little coffee shop
in downtown Newport,
I'm going to listen to his voice and do it.



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