That's me opening up the door to my blog.
Everything is dust covered and cobwebbed.
I've certainly been absent for a while.
To say I have missed it would be an understatement.
I. have. missed. it.
I think that in my effort to protect myself,
I have thrown the baby out with the bath water.
I write my life.
I write what is going on in my soul,
what makes me laugh
I write my perspective on everyday things.
I try to write as honestly as I can.
The problem is that at this particular season of my life,
I am finding that being an open book about some subjects
is not what's best for everyone around me.
This is so hard for me, because when something consumes
my every thought,
it is next to impossible to not write about it.
No, it is completely impossible.
And in certain situations, restraint and patience might be better
than spilling my guts in a public blog.
So, I've been silent.
Just on paper though.
I've been writing things in my head furiously
over the past year....
but that's where it remains.
In my head.
I haven't trusted myself to blog about life in general
for fear that my issues would creep in
and taint my words and possibly hurt other people.
I would sit down to write an innocent blog post about
the mild winter we had
and end up ranting and raving
about my latest fear
and perceived failure.
This is dangerous because
today's rants and raves,
if given time
can be tomorrow's success stories
or funny anecdotes about the time
I thought the world would surely end,
we would all live a life full of regret
and nothing would ever be the same again.
I'd rather skip the emotionally charged triade
and eliminate the risk
that my words
however truely felt at the time
would come to haunt another
and instead get right to the success story and
the funny anecdotes.
Or at least to liveable resolution
and acceptable compromise.
But because I miss it so much,
I have decided that even if I have to blog about
clouds or traffic or cinnamon rolls to keep myself
out of vulnerable subjects,
I must blog.
The lessons I am learning in my life right now
will be shared.
They should be shared because I am certain that I
am not the only person on this earth to ever have encountered
such confliction of heart and mind.
Such fear that I am completely wrong in every single one of my choices.
Which of course naturally leads to consuming dissapointment
and rising anger.
Such worry about what the furture will bring
to those I love who cannot see the freight train coming
despite the bright orange flag I seem to be constantly waving.
But these lessons will be shared later.
In another season when space and time
has resolved some things that right now
I think may never be resolved.
Perspective will change perspective.
I will be in a much better emotional position
to blog about this season of my life
when this season of my life
is less bitter and more sweet.
After I've learned the lessons and survived,
I will be much better equipped to
speak logically and compassionately
about things and will be more of an encouragement
and less of a whiner.
So, consider this my very vague, cryptic
re-introduction of myself to the blog world that I have missed so much.
Although I will not be diving into the depths of my current issues,
it will be impossible not to sprinkle some little nuggets of truth
that I am learning along the way
among my "day in the life" posts.
I've got a great post about decorative cookies coming up soon!
And it will not include a recipe
since those that know me
understand completely that my eye for beauty
and actual execution of such beauty in
sugary dough form
does not match.