Wipe that smirk off your face!

First of all thanks for being patient with me while I recover

from my tubing accident.

It has been three weeks since that day

and I still have trouble closing my eyes at night

to go to sleep.

I replay the few seconds before I hit that wall over and over.

I'm searching for ways to change what happened,

to tweak things just a little differently.

But it always ends up the same.

I always hit it

and I am lost in a sea of swirling white bubbles.
Sometimes I wake up gasping for air,

other times I just float off and other dreams come.

Things are what they are though.

No amount of mental replay can change that day.

I do believe that things happen for a reason and I'm

trying to think on the good in this accident.

I am definitely blessed beyond measure to
have such an awesome family who loves me and

who take such great care of me.

I also am blessed to have such wonderful friends

who prayed for me, sent me gifts, made phone calls

and sent e-mails expressing their love and concern.

I'm obviously blessed to still be alive

which sometimes overwhelms me with emotion.

I've never had such a close brush with death before.

It is hard to wrap my mind around sometimes.

I'm not a morbid girl.

I don't think seriously about my own demise.

It is very sobering to think of how fragile life is.

The weight of it has changed my daily thinking immensely.

I am more conscious of what things are important

and what things are just things

and nothing more.

I do have physical reminders though

that will stick around for quite a while,

should I start to lose my newfound way of thinking.

Here is the damage report:

One of my chipped teeth is fixed,

but it sits differently in my mouth than it used to.

The other is due to be fixed this week.

My teeth in general are off center a tad to the left.
My palette is a tad narrower which changes my whole smile.

It's different in a smirky, crooked kinda way.

Back to that in a minute.

My cheek bone was badly bruised and has

a tiny fracture on the left side.

The muscles under my left nostril and cheek are acting differently

than before.

I have some movement as normal, but not all of it.

This may or may not come back.

My top lip feels like I have a small grape

under it when I pucker my lips.

I'm not sure if this will go away or not.

This is a little funny to me because

my cousin Leah used to put a grape under her top lip

sometimes when we'd eat together just to make us all laugh.

I would do it too sometimes.

Now I can do it whenever I want

and I don't even need a grape!

There is still a ball of swelling right on the apple of my cheek.

I hope that this is really just swelling and not
a ball of muscle that has been scrunched up and will stay there.

I still have the remnants of a bruise below my left eye.

I will have two tiny scars between my nose and my top lip.

The doctor thought I may have broken my back at L4, but the x-ray revealed only some
torn ligaments and what they called
"indefinite arthritis".
I will be in physical therapy for a while for that.

Now back to my smile.
This is the hardest thing for me to accept.
I always thought I had such a great smile.
No matter what weight I was,
how broken out my face was
or how bad my hair style was,
I always had a great smile.
And I flashed it often,
not in a conceited "look at me" way,
but I genuinely enjoyed keeping a ready smile
playing on my face to make others feel great.
Who doesn't like to smile and be smiled at?
Now when I look in the mirror,
I don't recognize it.
Maybe you don't see a difference in these photos,
but it screams FOREIGN to me!
Those who know my face on a daily basis
like David and the kids, see the difference.
My left top lip droops a bit and because my teeth
are off center, it just changes everything.
My fear is that over time,
it's just going to droop more and more.
I feel silly even expressing my disappointment
over something so trivial.
I'm certainly not disfigured,
it's not horrific or life changing,
it's just different and it will take some getting used to.
Any change no matter how big or small
that you didn't get to choose takes time
to adjust to.



The plastic surgeon said that I am 95% normal
and 5% abnormal.
He asked me if I really wanted to go through the
process of trying to restore that 5%,
that he would be able to do it,
but seriously.....do I really want surgery
over something as silly as a crooked smile?
Sometimes I do.
I really, really do.
But it's just not practical.
And then there's the fact that I dislike IV's more than
I dislike my new crooked, smirky smile!!

A Not So Lazy River!

My computer has been enjoying an extended stay

at Geek Squad.

We finally got it back a few days ago

and I've been thinking of a way to pull the last week or so into

one interesting blog post.

We've been very busy with VBS this past week.

I was the photographer for VBS this year and I have about

500 photos to edit and host for all of the families to enjoy.

We took a family trip to Kayak Point last week and I have

some awesome shots from that day

that I want to share.

But sometimes life takes an unexpected turn

and all of your plans just fizzle out.

One of those "unexpected turns" happened to me yesterday.

My boys have been tubing down a local river all summer

and were very excited to take David and I along yesterday.

There is not a raft to be found in Snohomish county

because of our record breaking heat wave,

so we each got a twin air mattress to float down the river with.

We were enjoying ourselves so much.

It was like a giant lazy river with gentle rapids.

I was telling David how fun I thought it was and how great

these memories were for the boys.

We stopped at several spots so they could jump off of

large rocks, over hanging tree branches or well placed rope swings.

I was already making plans to do this a few more times over David's

two week leave period.

The boys were about 50 yards ahead of me as we headed

toward the waterfall.

David had pushed me ahead, so he was about 50 yards behind me.

The boys told us to go to the right side of the falls.

I could see them going down the falls and coming back up to do it again

and I tried to position myself to go over the falls

in the same spot where I had seen them do it.

I was off by about 4 feet.

As I approached the falls, I raised up on the mattress

just a bit to see where I was headed.

I heard my boys screams at the same time

that I saw the rusty steel wall rising up from the surface of the water by about 3 feet.

But by then it was too late and I was already being swept forward

by the waterfall.

In an instant I felt my mouth and cheek hit the wall

and then I was caught in the swirling water between the wall and the falls.

I was being pushed downward by all of the water falling on top of me.

I remember reaching my arms out to try to feel the wall and trying to find the side of

it so that I could swim out,

but the water was too heavy on top of me.

Part of me wanted to just give up and give in to the swirling dizziness

in my head,

but a stronger part of me kept my arms flailing an my feet kicking.

I remember thinking, "just a few more seconds and you'll break the surface."

and when those seconds passed,

I would tell myself again,

"You're almost there, just a few more seconds."

It was Jason's (my brother) birthday and I remember thinking

"You can't die on Jason's birthday!"

The instant I broke the surface I took a huge breath

and I heard Zachary and Michael shouting,

"We're here mom, we've got you."

I felt both of their strong arms around me.

I was so dizzy and disoriented.

I was so exhausted I could not kick anymore and I let my head fall back

on one of their shoulders and they guided me to the shore.

I heard them screaming back at their Dad who was approaching the falls my now.

They warned him away from where I had gone over and

he was soon on shore with me.

A stranger handed me a part of their t-shirt that they had ripped off and filled with ice.

Someone else told me to keep pressure on my bleeding lip

and I heard someone else telling David how far we still had to float down the river

to get to the next outlet where we could get to our car.

A lady looked at my lip and tried to describe for me

what damage she saw.

She said that I had scared them all to death because

I didn't resurface for so long.

I saw Zach standing across the beach with his hands on his head

his back to me.

He later told me that he and Michael both thought I was gone.

Michael put me into his raft which was a blow up boat.

He held onto the side and started kicking to get us to the next outlet.

He kicked for 45 minutes straight.

My back ached, my shoulders hurt, I could feel my chipped teeth with my tongue,

my lips were so swollen I could not talk and my body was shivering with shock.

We finally reached the outlet and made it home to drop the boys off

and then on to the ER.

I absolutely hate IV's because I am such a hard stick,

and true to form, it took three attempts before they could get one in.

They pumped pain meds and fluids into me and gave me a tetanus shot.

The cat scan revealed a slight fracture in my left cheek bone

that we'll follow up on next week with an ENT.

I have a sizeable cut where my upper lip meets my gums which should heal

on it's own pretty quickly.

My teeth will be fixed next week once the swelling goes down.

My back ache should also get better with time and if it doesn't,

I will go in for an MRI.

I am very, very lucky to be alive.

I hit just the right spot at just the right speed and fought with just

enough strength to still be here today.

I could have been knocked unconscious and tossed below that waterfall

for too long before the boys got to me.

I could have hit that wall with my throat or my skull and would

have far more life threatening issues to deal with.

I'm so thankful to be typing this right now.

I'm in very good hands.

David is so good at taking care of me and everything else that needs

to be done so I can rest.

I slept on the couch last night so that I could be elevated enough

in case my lip started bleeding again overnight.

Michael slept on an air mattress right beside me and got up at 3 am to change

my ice pack.

I am a very lucky girl who thankfully has alot more life to live!

Here are some photos from today.

This is an improvement in swelling from yesterday when it looked

like I had a lemon in my left cheek.

The bruising is much worse though but as expected.

My lifesavers!

This might be a different story had they not been right there

to bring me to shore.

Thank you everyone for your prayers!!

Let the healing begin!!!

A weekend away......

After a very stressful month,

which I'd like to say did not get the best of us,

(but it totally did)

David and I stole a much needed weekend away.

We started out at the Bite of Seattle.

We had so much fun walking around

and looking at all of the food booths and vendors.

I couldn't believe how many people were there!

I love doing things like this.

Sitting out on a blanket listening to a live band play,

sampling different foods

and just watching people bustling all around me

sounds like a great Saturday afternoon to me.

David, on the other hand, had to make some concessions

for me as this is not his thing.

He loves the food but he'd rather not be where the crowd is.

Inconceiveable, I know!!

Though there was a plethora (I love that word!) of food

available for the tasting,

we each quickly found our favorites.

David went back to his southern roots

with some N'awlin's flavor in a seafood and chicken gumbo,

and I could not resist the dungeness crab cakes.

I'm a Maryland blue crab girl at heart,

but since I can't be with the one I love,

I gotta love the one I'm with, right?

It really was quite good and my favorite of the day.

We tried other things too,

like a ravioli sampler,

and these yummy dipped strawberries!

We got a great view of the space needle from where we were.

We've not been to the top of this yet.

It's on our list for this summer!

With full bellies,

we drove toward Poulsbo.

We pulled over to take these scenic shots.

That is Mt. Rainier in the distance.

Gorgeous, huh?

After a long drive,

we finally arrived in Poulsbo

where David has been staying for the past week.

He's been in school and has one week left.

He's been exploring after class

and found the cutest little strip of boutiques, eateries

antique shops and coffee shops right on the water

in downtown Poulsbo.

Knowing I'd love it,

He couldn't wait to take me there.

We found a great restaurant serving local cuisine.

It's called Mor Mor and it was delish!

I just love pretty food!

I also love quaint little alley ways

and I find myself drawn to photograph them.

I enjoy the little burst of surprise in the creative use of space.

I've got photos of alley ways in Annapolis, MD. Rockport, MA.

Boston, MA and NY.....and now Poulsbo!

Something about taking what most people ignore and

avoid and turning it into a treat to delight the eye and senses

makes me feel like I've stumbled onto the best secret

and I want to capture it to remember through the years.

Aren't the best things made out of often overlooked nothings?

Poulsbo is such a cute little town!

It's just thriving with local flair.

I loved being there.

David told me that it is often refered to as

"Little Norway".

It's Norwegian founders originally named it "Paulsbo"

but when they applied to have a post office for their little town,

the name was mispelled on the forms and

it stuck!

The Norwegian influence can easily be found everywhere.

And it's a seaside town,

so that already suggests natural beauty,

but Poulsbo has it in spades!

David and I found ourselves as excited over seeing the eagles

as we were over seeing famous people when we lived in southern California.

But just as it was in LA,

the locals didn't even notice them.

Bald eagles abound here,

but their commonality was lost on us.

We both got chills and risked brand new shoes

by venturing far out onto the sloshy beach at low tide

to get as close as we could to them!

It was worth it!

Now we've not only captured the memory of seeing these magestic birds,

but we've got the memory of gigging together

as our shoes sank farther and farther into the goopy slime

that is low tide.

It has been a while since David and I have been

away together for an overnight.

The last time was December 08 for

a Christmas party

and before that it had been since our honeymoon

almost 17 years ago!

Shame, I know, but a week turns into a month,

a month to a year

and before you know it,

it's been a decade or more since you've taken the time to rediscover

why you fell in love in the first place.

And we just can't have that!

We've been faithful to our date nights a couple times a month,

which helps us to remember that we are a couple

and not just mom and dad.

But there is just something about going away for a night or two

that helps keep the sizzle sizzlin!

There is definitely something about not being in familiar surroundings

that makes you feel like you are just a girl and a guy again.

Hopefully, now that the older kids are teenagers,

and very capable of taking care of Bren

and the house for a night,

we'll be able to do this on a more regular basis.

After all,

I want to know this guy when the kids are gone.

It's important to build our own life together

while we are helping our kids build their lives,

because their lives will ultimately take them away

from ours and we want to have something exciting left.

I left David at the hotel in Poulsbo and

headed back to Marysville via

the Edmonds ferry.

It was a beautiful clear day and I could see

Mt. Rainier pretty well.

Lots of people were out on the water

with their sailboats and kyaks.

Wouldn't you love to live in one of these houses on the water?

There's something so peaceful about a living on the water,

don't you think?

This seagull was trailing the ferry

undoubtedly hoping for a crumb to steal.

Instead, I stole a moment of his effortless flight

and will add his image to my collection of seagull photos.

It seems we take a seagull photo almost anytime we are near the water.

The ferries are one of my favorite things about

living near Seattle.

Well that and a starbucks on every corner!!!

"Cox Knots"

"You know if I am calling you that it is not good news."

The words of our family doctor hung in the air

like the fists of a prize fighter

ready to deliver their painful blow.

Madison had been in the previous week for an MRI

prompted by new pain in her knee.

This was a follow up on an MRI she had done three years ago.

Having these MRI's on various parts of our bodies

is not something that is new to my family.

We have a condition called osteochondroma.

We refer to it as "Cox knots" because it comes from the Cox side of the family.

The results of this new MRI showed suspicious changes in Madison's bone marrow

and lots of edema and swelling.

The doctor told me that the radiologist who read the MRI

was of the opinion that this was different than just an

osteochondroma and pointed very strongly to bone cancer.

There they were.

The words that other people hear about a disease

that happens to other people and other people's children.

Not mine.

Not my vibrant 13 year old daughter.

Shock helped me remain calm during that phone call,

but failed to help me hold back my emotions

when I called my mom a few minutes later.

I locked myself in my bedroom,

and through a flood of tears that I knew I was powerless

to even try to control,

I choked out the words

"Bone Cancer".

My mom who just happened to be in a van

packed with the strong women of my family at the time

cried right along with me.

I heard gasps and shouts of refusal from my grandmother,

my aunt Brenda, my aunt Janet and my cousin Natalie

as my mom relayed my words.

My family is full of prayer warriors so I knew what was

happening as I hung up the phone.

I made another call to the members of my family

who have a great deal of experience with osteochondroma.

They too were all together in one room having lunch.

My Dad, my brother Jeremy, my brother Jason

and my cousin Scott.

All of us bear the scars from having our own Cox knots removed,

but I wanted to know if any of them had ever had

a doctor refer them to an oncologist because of suspected bone cancer.

None of them had.

One more phone call to my cousin Carrie

who has the most experience with this issue

calmed my fears a bit as she relayed a few stories

of doctors being overzealous with this condition.

With looming disbelief and a fear that I had never known before,

I spent the next few hours at my computer

researching osteosarcoma and scaring myself to death!.

David and I made the decision to keep this information

from Madison over the 4th of July weekend.

She is a hand wringer of a child and worries herself into

hysterics over health issues and personal safety,

so we knew that she would have a hard time wrapping her head

around this enough to function normally.

We spent the weekend stealing glances at eachother whenever

Madison would complain that her knee hurt.

It was hard to look at her at all without wanting to

burst into tears and take her into our arms to protect her

from even the thought of having this kind of fight on her hands.

Our doctor supported our decision to keep this from Madison over the weekend

but advised us to tell her before we met with the specialist.

We decided to tell her the day of her appointment

which was this past Tuesday.

We simply told her that anytime something grows and changes in

our bodies, we need to make sure there are no serious

issues surrounding it.

And that was good enough for her.

She didn't ask any questions.

On Tuesday, we met with the pediatric orthopedic surgeon

who took new x-rays and informed us that what she had was

a very large osteochondroma on her thigh that needed to be removed.

They found two others behind her knee

that we may or may not have removed

pending another scan in a few weeks.

I let him know that we were told that the radiologist had suspected

osteosarcoma (bone cancer) based on the changes in the MRI,

and he assured me that this was not the case!

David and I audibly exhaled for the first time in a week!

We were so relieved!

As we were leaving Seattle Children's Hospital,

Madison was expressing alot of disappointment over her upcoming surgery.

Having never heard the word cancer,

she still did not know the weight that had been lifted.

We explained to her what we had been told,

who all was carrying this burden with us,

how much we had prayed,

and how different the outcome could have been.

She was amazed, not only that we had kept this from her

but also at the outpouring of love she felt as she heard stories

of prayers and support on her behalf

and of the depth of concern from family members that

she thought would certainly be unaffected by her distant life

because she'd only met them

a few times.

For the next few days she felt enveloped in a love that was deeper

than she had thought.

It was evident on her usually dispassionate face.

We saw more smiles and less insecurity,

more certainty that she is supported,

loved,

held up

and sustained

by a myriad of people

that she never knew felt as deeply as they do.

What a gift coming out of such

ambiguous cicrumstances!

Madison will have surgery on September 2nd

to remove a large bone tumor

that we refer to as a Cox Knot.

It is a condition passed down on my side of the family.

Most of us wear our scars as a badge of honor

and a sort of right of passage.

It is common to compare scars and stories at family gatherings

and to question whether new cox knots have cropped up.

So far, Madison is the only one of my four

that has this condition.

I have had three removed myself.

One from my leg and two from my right arm.

My youngest brother Jeremy and I have

matching scars on our shoulders.

Jason has several scars, my Dad has a few and Scott and Carrie

have a bunch as well.

Just like blue eyes and bubble butts,

this is just another genetic thing that makes us related to eachother,

but it is the free flowing love and concern

when one of us was threatened

that makes us belong to eachother.

Thirteen

After a busy week,

I am playing catch up a little here on the blog.

I wanted to share some photos

from Madison's 13th birthday party

a few weeks ago.

She wanted a backyard party

with grilled hamburgers and a fire pit.


She had about 20 friends come over to hang out.

We took the group over to the elementary school

to play man hunt.

Man hunt is like team hide and go seek.

My kids love it!

As soon as it got dark,

we made our way back home to

make smores over the fire pit.

I love this fire pit and I envision lots of

summer nights spent out here

roasting hot dogs and marshmallows.

There's just something very

"Kum-By-yah" about gathering around a campfire

even if it is in your own back yard!