Perspective

creeeeeeaaaak!! 

That's me opening up the door to my blog.

Everything is dust covered and cobwebbed.

I've certainly been absent for a while.

To say I have missed it would be an understatement.

I. have. missed. it.

I think that in my effort to protect myself,

I have thrown the baby out with the bath water.

I write my life. 

I write what is going on in my soul,

what makes me laugh

and cry

and think.

I write my perspective on everyday things.

I try to write as honestly as I can.

The problem is that at this particular season of my life,

I am finding that being an open book about some subjects

is not what's best for everyone around me.

This is so hard for me, because when something consumes

my every thought,

it is next to impossible to not write about it.

No, it is completely impossible.

And in certain situations, restraint and patience might be better

than spilling my guts in a public blog.

So, I've been silent. 

 Just on paper though.

I've been writing things in my head furiously

over the past year....

but that's where it remains. 

In my head.

I haven't trusted myself to blog about life in general

for fear that my issues would creep in

and taint my words and possibly hurt other people.

I would sit down to write an innocent blog post about

the mild winter we had

and end up ranting and raving

about my latest fear

 and perceived failure.

This is dangerous because

today's rants and raves,

if given time

can be tomorrow's success stories

or funny anecdotes about the time

I thought the world would surely end,

we would all live a life full of regret

and nothing would ever be the same again.

I'd rather skip the emotionally charged triade

and eliminate the risk

that my words

however truely felt at the time

would come to haunt another

and  instead get right to the success story and

the funny anecdotes.

Or at least to liveable resolution

and acceptable compromise.

But because I miss it so much,

I have decided that even if I have to blog about

clouds or traffic or cinnamon rolls to keep myself

out of vulnerable subjects,

I must blog.

The lessons I am learning in my life right now

will be shared.

They should be shared because I am certain that I

am not the only person on this earth to ever have encountered

such confliction of heart and mind. 

Such fear that I am completely wrong in every single one of my choices.

Which of course naturally leads to consuming dissapointment

and rising anger.

Such worry about what the furture will bring

to those I love who cannot see the freight train coming

despite the bright orange flag I seem to be constantly waving.

But these lessons will be shared later.

In another season when space and time

has resolved some things that right now

I think may never be resolved.

Perspective will change perspective.

I will be in a much better emotional position

to blog about this season of my life

when this season of my life

is less bitter and more sweet.

After I've learned the lessons and survived,

I will be much better equipped to

speak logically and compassionately

about things and will be more of an encouragement

and less of a whiner.

So, consider this my very vague, cryptic

re-introduction of myself to the blog world that I have missed so much.

Although I will not be diving into the depths of my current issues,

it will be impossible not to sprinkle some little nuggets of truth

that I am learning along the way

among my "day in the life" posts.

Speaking of,

I've got a great post about decorative cookies coming up soon!

And it will not include a recipe

since those that know me

understand completely that my eye for beauty

and actual execution of such beauty in

sugary dough form

does not match.