My great sorrow..................

So Zach packed a backpack yesterday and left.

The rules in our home have become too

constricting for him

and so he is trying life on his own.

He slept down the street at his friend's house

last night,

so I could close my eyes and know that he

was at least safe and warm.

I do not know if he will continue to sleep there

or if he will have to find shelter somewhere else.

Leaving was his choice

and he said it was the only choice he felt

was right for him.

He is in an independent study program

and cannot miss his Thursday meetings

or he will be dropped from the program.

I told him that I would drive him to the meeting

if he needed me to.

He called me last night and asked for that ride.

I was relieved that at least he is not

giving up on getting his high school diploma.

After the meeting he asked me to drive him

to a grocery store so that he could get

some food.

As we walked through the aisles

and he threw a bunch of junk food into the cart,

my eye caught a Buzz Lightyear cereal bowl set

on one of the shelves

and I wondered what happened to the little

blonde headed boy who

would run around the house

yelling, "to infinity and beyond!".

My heart is absolutely breaking,

and I am trying not to be consumed by

my great sorrow,

but I know I have to be strong and unwaivering

because I love him.

I know that his father and I have loved him well.

We have given him so many opportunites and support to turn his

struggles into triumphs.

Minutes ago I watched him

walk up the hill out of our neighborhood

in the cold rain

with a backpack full of food

and an extra change of clothes,

I can hardly breathe and the tears that I held in

all morning as we were together

are now a hot flood that I can no longer will away.

I want to call out to him to come back

to the safety of my arms,

but I know that this is his battle to fight.

These are his hard knocks to take

and learn from.

I am driven to my knees

pleading with God to protect him,

to keep him safe

and to draw Zach's heart back to his.

Zach knows that he is welcome back in our home

when he is willing to take responsibility for his actions

and be willing to submit to the rules we have in our home.

Right now he is not ready.

Right now he would rather

walk his own path,

and we have to let him.

This is the deepest sorrow

and the most gripping fear I have ever felt,

but I have to lean on something greater than myself.

I have to hold on to what I know.

If I am to make it through this,

I have to trust in the God who loves Zach

even more than I do.

Jeremiah 29:11 is my life verse

and I have had to hold strongly to it before,

but never as much as now.

I can only take my next breath

knowing that God has a plan

and that He will restore our family.

Jeremiah 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord.

Plans to prosper you and not to harm you.

Plans to give you a future and a hope."