On Raising Teens..........

I was all set to write about

yesterday's trip to the Seattle Children's Museum,

but something else is clouding my mind right now.

So, I'm going to share a few of my rambling thoughts

on raising teens.

I have no answers, mostly just questions.

A series of attempts, a few successes

and many failures.

Raising teens has been my biggest parenting challenge to date.

I once heard someone compare raising teens

to being thrown into the deep end of the pool

with only minimal swimming skills and no life raft!

I agree.

I love my kids.

I want the best for them.

I want them to grow up to be happy,

productive, well-adjusted adults who make good choices.

I don't care if they are the smartest,

the most athletic,

or the best looking.

I don't even care if they choose not to go to college.

I just want them to be happy in their chosen paths,

to be a blessing to other people

and to lead lives that they are proud of.

That's it.

The problem is that it doesn't matter what I want for them.

My plans for how I want them to turn out

or the choices I want them to make,

hold no water at all

in the grand scheme of things.

I cannot choose for them.

I can't get inside their heads

and make them see their world 5, 10, 20 years down the road.

I spend so much time worrying that they will make choices now

that will negatively affect the rest of their lives

and because I cannot chain them to me

all day and night,

I'm really powerless to control what choices they make.

And that drives me crazy.

Now when I say powerless,

I don't mean that I haven't put in time on my knees

praying for God's intervention,

or that I haven't taught them right from wrong,

or that I haven't spent countless hours discussing

life choices and the consequences of making the wrong ones,

or that David and I don't administer punishment when needed

or that we turn a blind eye to infractions.

What I am saying is that

no matter what I do....

it is simply not possible to

excercise mind-control

over a teenager.

Believe me, I've tried!

And the mind of a 17 year old?

Well, it's a different planet all it's own.

I'm not sure there is a method of mind-control

that would have any effect on a mind like that anyway.

So, naturally, since David is deployed,

Zach is trying to drive me crazy!

He's always been a strong willed child.

From about 20 months he's been trying to overthrow the throne daily!
That strong will should serve him well in the future

because he's also a child who must take the hard road at every turn.....

he'll be needing that strong will!

I'm assured over and over again by people who have been in my shoes

that Zach will be just fine.

Somedays I'm not so certain.

Other days, I can see that he's making strides

in moving toward adulthood,

and I can see the light.

But,

unfortunately,

this child must learn just about everything the hard way.

Including lessons about sneaking out of the house.

A right of passage, you might say,

I mean we all did it right?

Zach has been caught and amply rewarded for his efforts

about a dozen times

but there's never been any danger or law breaking involved...

just his desire to make up his own rules about what happens

after mom and dad go to bed.

He's been grounded for weeks,

had cell phones, computers and game systems taken away.

We've even delayed the joy of him getting his driver's license

until we can be confident

in his ability to make better choices.

Still, he presses on...

testing the waters

trying to overthrow the throne!

Maybe now.

Maybe this time.

Perhaps after what happened,

he will see that this is not all about

fun and silliness

and getting his own way.

There is alot of evil in the world

and it breathed down Zach's neck

and twisted it's ugly fingers around Zach's wrists

on Monday night.

Here is how it happened,

Zach and a friend of his who regularly

spends the night at our house

snuck out

at 2 am

and started walking to our local McDonalds.

Why?

I don't know?!!!

Because I said "no",

when he's been caught doing this before

is my best guess.

Zach's explaination.... "we were hungry."

On the way there,

a car full of teens drove past them

and yelled out the window

at Zach and his friend.

Zach just figured that it must have been some kids from school

who knew him

and were just messing around with him.
The car came to a stop a few hundred yards from them

and switched into reverse.
At this point Zach's friend took off running

into the closest neighborhood.

Zach still did not sense danger

and thought that it had to be someone he knew.
It wasn't until 6 guys got out of the SUV

and started running toward him

that he knew he was in trouble.

Zach said that one of them grabbed him from behind and

had his hands pinned behind his back.
They were yelling at him and asking if he had any money

ipods or cell phones.

Zach felt the guy who had his hands pinned,

loosen his grip and try to reach into Zach's jean pocket.

This gave Zach enough leverage

to pull one of his hands loose and clock the guy in front of him

right in the jaw.

Alarmed that Zach had gotten free enough to fight back,

the guy who still had one of Zach's hands

was knocked off balance and Zach was able to wriggle free

and take off running

toward the same neighborhood that his friend had ran into.

A few of the guys started chasing Zach

and the other guys got back in the car and

followed him into the neighborhood.

By this time, Zach's friend had reached a porch

and was knocking on the door screaming for help.

Zach joined him and the car sped off.

The homeowner called 911 and the police came right away.

They later found the car full of kids

whose ages ranged from 16-18.

They were all arrested.

It terrifies me to think of what could have happened.

If there was a gun or knife involved,

if Zach hadn't been able to break free,

if these had been older guys,

we could be facing something entirely different here.

And so,

I would like to think that this is the end of the sneaking out.

I would like to believe that when I lay my head on the pillow at night

that all will be well in my house until morning.

Zach seems freaked out enough now, so I could get a little rest,

but I'm not naive enough to think

that this will be the end of my "take the hard road" kid's antics!

I think that mothers of teenagers have the same

comraderie that pregnant women have.

We can see it in each other eye's just as plain as a big ole baby belly.

We're all scared, unsure, tired, confused

and frustrated.
Unless you are one of those mom's who has compliant easy kids

who never buck the system

and never roll their eyes in disgust at parental rules.

Those kinds of mom's of teens

are like the pregnant women

who only gain 1 pound during their pregnancy,
didn't have to buy maternity clothes until their ninth month

and had a 20 minute labor and delivery.

It happens and yipppee for you if you are so blessed,

but it's not the norm, and this post is not for you.

This post is for the mom's who are in the trenches every day

trying to keep a cool head and a confident appearance.

It's for the moms who get doors slammed in their faces,

who get told they are out of touch,

lack understanding,

are so mean,

going crazy,

are over protective,
or just plain wrong.

It's for the mom's who had big dreams for their kids,

but who have learned to adjust those dreams to match

their kids desires and abilities,

even though yours looked so much better.

It's for the mom's who sincerely believe

at the end of the day that they have done their absolute best

to love their child and to guide

and teach their child in the right way,

but who look at the circumstances around them

and can't believe that any of it could possibly be sinking in.
It's for the mom's who wrestle with so much guilt

over why it's not sinking in.

What is she doing wrong?

What could she do more of?

Less of?

Does anybody know how to fix this?

It's for the mom's who get excited about "C's"

and try to smile when other mom's brag about their kid's straight "A's".

It's for the mom who is struggling with thinking

that their child's lack of "A's"

is somehow

her

fault.

It's for that tear stained mom

who tosses and turns at night because she's worried
about her child.

It's for the mom's who have to do this on their own,

who have either deployed,

lost

or absent

husbands

and father's

and too far away family.
It's for the mom's who have learned

or are learning
to let go

and let their babies make mistakes

even big ones

in the hopes that the lessons learned will be valueable tools

to help shape their future.

It's for the mom's who cling to their faith

and the knowlege that God loves her kids

even more

than she does

and that He has a plan for them

that is greater than her plans.

I'm right there with all of you.

Freaking out right along side ya!

Just like that belly bulge we had for nine months

that bonded us as mom's

our stories of triumph and failure,

of success and defeat,

of battles won and lost,

of great enduring love

through less than desireable circumstances
are what bonds us now.

Press on, my sisters!

I'm told the labor is well worth it!