Change
It sure is the season for it
isn't it?
You'd think that being a Navy wife
I'd embrace change.
And I have.
But I'm not talking about a change of scenery here.
I'm talking about the kind of change
that sneaks up on you.
The one you realized happened
while you were either looking the other way
or living in denial.
This isn't one of those posts that mourne the
inevitable growing up of children.
It's not about regret or trying to hang on to
something that is very surely slipping
through your fingers.
It's a post about change.
Something of which I thought
I had become an expert.
But I'm finding out that
maybe I'm not.
Change is running through my life
like a freight train lately.
And it doesn't even blow a warning horn!
It's the kind of change that
makes you realize that life as you know it
has morphed into something that
although you love and cherish,
you don't really recognize
and you hope that it
morphs into something easier
very, very soon.
I look into the eyes of my son
who will be 20 next month
and I see someone who
except for food and shelter
does not really need me.
But I hope he wants me.
Oh do I hope he wants me.
Right now though,
he neither wants or needs me
most of the time.
He is the main decision maker in his life now
and that scares the heck outa me.
He respects our rules, but really
he is on his own path.
No warning horn.
At almost 18 and soon to be 16,
Michael and Madison are right on Zach's heels.
In just 2 and a half years from now,
we will be the parents of 3 adults and a middle schooler.
Absolutely no warning horn.
At all.
It became evident to us this summer
that we were most assuredly
in the throws of change
when all of the sudden
we became a party of 3
instead of a party of 6.
The older kids were so busy with work,
summer trips with friends
and things that they wanted to do
and we were busy with our own summer
activities centered around
the outdoors with Brendell.
I wish I had known that the summer of 2010
was the last summer we'd spend
doing things that the teenagers
wanted to do with us.
Did you hear a warning horn?
Yeah, me either.
And so this change,
this thing that makes my kids second guess
my advice
and brush off my attempts at
deep conversation.
This thing that has them
saying a quick,
"bye Mom, I love you!"
on the way out to work
or play
This thing that has me watching tail lights
and waiting for headlights,
This thing that has me trying to remember
what being a teenager was like,
This thing that has awarded
them more responsibility
and more choices
This thing that keeps me up at night
hoping that they make good choices
This thing without a warning horn....
I don't like it very much.
